This is a story of my adolecent attempt to protect myself from the pain of— what I now understand to have been— deep emotional abuse. I thought I could guard my heart by numbing myself to certain emotions, events, or people in my life, that I could bury the pain and anger deep within and remain outwardly happy. Unfortunately it wasn’t until many years later I realized the immense damage that caused me; I became numb to everything and everybody. While that was never my intention, as an adult I am faced with the consequences, and it has proved to be my life’s great struggle to love any one.

I earnestly hope that this story will serve as a small testimony of what not to do; it is better to feel something than to not feel at all.

In this story I am both characters; one who lost to despair and one who has a small hope for the future. I can only pray that my heart will be restored one day.

Artist’s Notes

This art was done with mixed media on 9×12 watercolor paper. Pieces were all hand drawn and then inked with micron pen. The white character, ‘I’ for ‘innocence’, was then blocked out using Pebeo masking fluid (aka drawing gum). All the textures were created by monoprinting acrylics, masking certain areas, then printing acrylics again.

Inks, stamps, and metallic liquitex paints were used to push or pull certain areas. White gouache was needed to blot out some colors that bled into ‘I’, and the final touches were going over the linework with either ink or liquid leaf.

In person these pieces are highly metallic and gleam in the light. It’s a shame it does not translate into print. Both student and professional grade materials were used to create all images. (This particular piece was flipped horizontally for printing purposes, but the original is oriented the opposite direction.)